How to make cider "The French Way"

Firstly, gather the following essential ingrediants, all are essential to avoid devastating failure. An Old Washing Machine. Preferably of the upright varietly. Some old bits of metal. A bevel/worm gear assembly. A large peice of timber. A Frisbee. Oh, and some apples. Next, hunt down the following tools. A Welder, not too powerful. An Angle Grinder A Chain Saw A drill and a leatherman. Spend a day assembling the cider press as per the original plan. We were so confident we didn't even waste a cigarette packet. Chop apples coarsley. Approximately 40 for the initial trial. Throw into the stainless press chamber. Insert hand carved oak log. Wind Down mechanism onto log. Continue winding till no further movement occurs. Check frisbee for juice production. If no juice has been produced, go to Range Rover for bottle Jack. Exert further pressure, approx 3 tonnes. Bend frame in effort to produce juice. Check frisbee. Having produced one egg cup full of juice from 40 apples, get into car and drive to Le Mutant. Purchase stock of cider and stop wasting time trying to make it. Today, we built a 9 foot by 3 foot television screen which I can happily say works very well. On the subject of wells, park cider press by well and hope that one day the apples will find there own way out and turn into cider all by themselves.